They Call It a Game But I Must Have Lost My Copy of the Rules Because I Don't Ever Know What To Do Anymore, And Even When I Do, I End Up Feeling Like I've Made The Wrong Decision

I wanted to watch the morning with you, and cook you breakfast,

but i didn't know if that would make you feel uncomfortable, so instead i did nothing at all.

I feel a warm sense of regret about that; the way a shot of whiskey makes you feel warm.

No.

The way dropping all of the loose leaf papers out of your binder makes you feel warm. And you're already feeling small, and no one stops to help. And the inside of you gets a little tighter, like the knots in my lower back that run along my spine.

I wanted to whisper in your ear and tell you how sexy you are, how badly i wanted to fuck you, but i didn't know if that would make you think i was a slut, so instead i did nothing at all. 

I feel a cold sense of regret about that; the way a stiff breeze in the mountain shade makes you feel cold.

The way waking up alone makes you feel ugly. And you can't remember the last time someone told you they loved you and actually meant it, but it's too early anyways so you stumble into the kitchen to make coffee; your hands still numb to sleep, the grinds peppering the countertop as the percolator gargles the phlegm out of it's tired throat. 

I wanted to text you and tell you i was sorry for being so quite but that i felt really comfortable with you, and that i like you, and do you like me? And you can say no, in fact, tell me no, because then i can just let go of all of this and move on, but i didn't know if that would make you think i was crazy, so i did nothing at all. 

I feel a strange sense of relief about that; the way finishing a book about something real and something alive makes you feel; satisfied, humbled, pleasant. 

The way spending time with your family and not getting into a disagreement about scientific theories or the color of your t-shirt being coral or pink makes you feel home. 

The way finding someone who wants to spend the morning with you and make you breakfast makes you feel loved, because you woke up next to them and had great morning sex without even a whisper, and when you text them later that day to tell them how much you appreciate them and they reply thankful with equal feelings, you feel complete.